I recently watched a few YouTube videos on how to start a blog. This one particular person said, “People don’t care about you and what you have to say. They care about themselves.” While I understand what she meant and agree with her to some degree, I wonder how many people we would help for the glory of God if we didn’t share personal testimonies?
With that being said, I don’t plan to have this blog as a “Tell All” of my life, but I do intend to share what God lays on my heart. No matter how personal or hard that might be to say or read.
I got spiritually disciplined a few days ago by Holy Spirit about a situation that I thought I had handled and let go. Unbeknownst to me, I had not handled it with Jesus fully, nor have I been forgiving and extending mercy the way Jesus wanted me to. Sometimes forgiving and extending mercy to someone who hurt you can be difficult. Our flesh wants to rise up and get them back or hold it over their head until we feel like they have paid the consequence we deemed sufficient.
Imagine had Jesus took that stance on the cross. Praise God that He didn’t.
My parents got a divorce almost 10 years ago now. They were married for 23 years and were high school sweethearts. So, while the divorce wasn’t a total surprise, it really turned my world upside down. I didn’t eat much, lost weight and was so angry at them both. All the while knowing they really were better off not being together.
I was born to love people. I love hard and with everything I have. I really do believe in happy endings and fairy tales. As the first born and how my heart was designed by God, I always hoped, wished, prayed that they would get back together. I wanted that happy ending, that fairy tale for them as my parents.
Their marriage wasn’t always terrible, but it wasn’t how God intended for it to be either. I can truthfully say, I know that without God it wouldn’t have ever worked. One spouse serving God, the other one not actively serving God doesn’t work. Unequally yoked marriages were never God’s design. Those marriages tend to be uphill battles, harder work and lots of warfare that could mostly be avoided.
My parents tried to get back together a few years after their divorce, but it still didn’t work out. I think that was like reliving the divorce all over again. I knew deep down that I had a lot of hurt over the divorce, over the things that transpired afterwards and situations that happened up until this point. I had prayed about it, tried to forgive and I thought I had.
My mom got engaged to a really great guy. He is the answer to my prayers for her and I couldn’t be happier about that. I thought it was good, until when he asked me if he could marry her, all I could think about was my daddy. What about him? How is he going to feel?
Weeks, days leading up to the wedding, these thoughts, feelings that I thought I had delt with previously, I realized I hadn’t delt with them at all. Unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, resentment and most off all, the disappointment I had towards them. All I could do was cry. I was so unaware until the words I was speaking, the way I was feeling and acting, were totally different than how God wanted me to be. But I had forgiven them? I had moved past the hurt and anger, right?
The day of her wedding, I got up and turned on Pastor John Hagee on the television. He was preaching on extending mercy. Exactly what I needed to hear. He preached on the prodigal son and how his father ran to him when he saw him coming down the road. Even after his son had spent all of his money, made so many wrong decisions, the Bible says He ran to his son. The father told his other son to kill the fatted calf because his son had returned home. The father wanted to celebrate, not hit him over the head and punish his son for all of his mistakes. Not even talk about all of the wrong his son had done. What great mercy the father extended on his son.
That’s a great depiction of the love of the Father.
I knew in that moment what Jesus was telling me to do, what He was trying to get me to see. He did that for me when He hung on the cross. He welcomed me home when I accepted Him as my Lord and Savior. He extended great mercy to me when by the world’s opinion, it was the last thing I deserved. He held back my punishment and bore my sins because He loves me that much. Who am I to not let my parents live down their mistakes, their choices, the hurt and disappointment I have felt? How selfish of me.
John Hagee said, “If you’re wrapped up in yourself, you’re wearing the wrong clothes.” And that’s what I was. Wrapped up in myself and my feelings. Selfishness is not a characteristic of our God. He is love, He is grace, He is mercy and so much more. He is the Judge, not me. God is not a silent God. I’m so thankful for the soft nudges of Holy Spirit to keep me in line.
I went to my mom’s wedding with a genuine heart of celebration. Did it still hurt me for my daddy? Yes, of course. Did it still sting to know that my fairy tale for them would never be? It sure did. But God gave my momma a new fairy tale, a new happy ending and I know He will do the same for my daddy.
He is such a good Father.
If you’re like I was and are struggling with forgiveness or extending mercy, ask the Lord to help you. Ask the Lord to show you how you are supposed to forgive and extend mercy. He did it for me and I know He will be so happy to do it for you too.
“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all of the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” Psalm 23:6
